REWIND: These Hoes Ain’t Loyal.

Again, this is something that I wrote over two years ago, but am just now sharing publicly. You’d think that this would be the end of the saga, but it’s really just the beginning. A few days ago, I wrote about the power of intention, and the importance and necessity of trust (and by extension, loyalty) to make questionable actions not so sinister. This is a perfect example of what not to do. Regardless of intention, blatantly lying is an automatic disqualifier (as it relates to my respect and attention).

So, my last post revolved around a man (I use this term loosely) who I knew was no good for me, but who I was “drawn to”; maybe it was his looks (I wish I wasn’t so superficial), “bad boy” lifestyle, or just the simple act of someone letting me know he’s thinking about me (the random “thinking of you” texts really hooked me in). Nonetheless, he was my “guy” for the moment, and my friends knew it.

So, being the considerate friend that I am, I asked him to help one of my good girlfriends (of about 3 years, at the time) move (from her 4th floor apartment — with no elevator); he reluctantly agreed, and recruited 5 or 6 guys (along with himself) to help her. Sweet. Both he and my friend live in the same city — about 40 minutes from me — not terribly far, but far enough.

To make an incredibly long story short, while digressing a bit…

My father has the “gift” of foresight. He gets an unsettled feeling in his stomach when something bad is going to happen or if things aren’t quite right; his intuition is usually right on point.

Anyway.

I think I’ve inherited this “gift” (curse?). I am an INFJ, after all. That said, I had a really unsettling feeling that I couldn’t shake.

Also, I am impatient. Instead of letting events unfold as they may, I take on the role of “inspector gadget”.

In ways that I will not divulge, I found out that my “good friend” had called my guy (and left a “blank” voicemail…she likely called, and hung up before leaving a message). I promise, I’m not a crazy psycho bitch. I am not insecure (definitely not as it related to him). BUT, given my past relationship drama, loyalty & honesty are important to me. I knew that my FWB was a jerk, but not my friend...

I was perturbed that my friend was in contact with my guy. For what? She had no business calling him. So, without divulging any information, I texted her and (nicely & innocently) asked if she had talked to him at all. Three hours go by, and nothing. At this point my stomach ache is getting worse. I texted her again, and specifically asked if she had tried to call or text him (because he and I were not on the greatest of terms; this was true — see my last post — and I thought that maybe he “blocked me” — or so I said). This second text elicited a response of, “No, but do you want me to?”

At this point, I am heated. This wasn’t about him, it was about the fact that she BLATANTLY lied to me. I heard her fucking phone number on his voicemail. Okay, I knew enough.

As you continue to read (in subsequent posts), you will begin to understand that I am very vulnerable emotionally, so trust is really important to me. I knew what kind of guy my FWB was (he’s a hustler…my friend is kind of…uh, weak…an easy target for a guy like him). I’m not talking about sex, necessarily. Case in point: I watched his ass convince her to let him drive her car the night we helped her move — after we had all been drinking, heavily. She reluctantly agreed.

So, that’s the type of woman we’re dealing with.

Nevertheless, the bitch KNEW everything about what I went through in my last relationship, how important (critical, in fact) honesty is to me (but in a friendship, this goes without saying), yet still lied to me.

At that point, I knew enough. My impatient ass didn’t wait for a half-assed explanation from either of them (What’s the point? A lie is a lie to me). I called them both (neither answered), then hastily left a text message to each, respectively. Yeah, impersonal, but I was pissed.

The texts were not nice, and ended my relationships with each (at least that was my intention). I made it clear that “he” wasn’t the issue, necessarily…loyalty was.

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Venting to a friend. These hoes ain’t loyal, yo.

To ruin a friendship over a guy (who’s not even a prize, or relationship material) boggles my mind.

I blocked them both, and had no interest in hearing what either had to say. I may have been rash, but as the song goes…

“These hoes ain’t loyal”…

After all was said and done, I felt like shit. But my stomach-ache was gone. Weird.

The Power of Intention.

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“Intention is one of the most powerful forces there is. What you mean when you do a thing will always determine the outcome.” – Brenna Yovanoff, “The Replacement”

“What the eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over.”– Some old saying…not sure who said it

While many people disagree with the sentiment behind the idea that what you don’t know won’t hurt you, I kind of buy it.

Life has shown me that there are many things with which my mind would’ve been better served not knowing. I could’ve saved my heart a lot of pain if I would’ve let sleeping dogs lie, so to speak. The mind can really fuck up a heart (and nerves — read: rumination and anxiety fueled panic attacks and sickness). Our minds are powerful…at times, to our hearts’ (and bodies’) detriment.

I am in no way condoning betrayal. I just don’t completely buy some people’s mumbo jumbo about the heart being able to feel every action that the eyes don’t see.

Especially as it relates to infidelity.

This may be my way of justifying (some people’s definition of) morally questionable behavior. That said, I have experienced situations in which I’ve found out about (the means of discovery are irrelevant) a partner’s infidelity. I can say, with certainty, that if the affairs were completely physical (and didn’t **produce a human life, or a disease), I may have been better off not knowing. This isn’t ideal…deception is deception. But, society’s definition of fidelity & commitment (in relationships) is relative.

This may be because I am a firm believer in the power of intention — not the hokey stuff you probably think of when you hear the phrase, but work with me here. Assuming that my hypothetical significant other was put (or put himself) in a situation that lent itself to solely physical gratification (provided it did not produce the things mentioned above), and there was no intention to hurt me or betray our emotional commitment, I’m not sure it would be worth me knowing.

Additionally, I feel that my partner should feel the same way about me and my actions (and intentions).

And being perfectly honest, I think that this is a conversation that should be had by every couple before any action has been taken. I am a firm believer in trust (because regardless of intention, being lied to, or intentionally deceived is a deal breaker for me). I am also a firm believer in choice. Give me the choice of deciding whether or not I’m okay with whatever you’re thinking about doing (that could potentially impact me or our relationship). I would do the same in return. Then…we are both armed with the information necessary to decide whether or not it’s acceptable to us, as individuals. Yay or nay? Stick around or move around? Acceptable or nah?

I speak from experience and from reason. And of course, what I describe is ideal. Lovely in theory.

I am not foolish enough to think that subjective things like feelings can be rationalized. But, commitment can be. We are human.

That said, I think the power of intention cannot be underestimated.

But, it has also been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Maybe I don’t know shit.

Excuse me as I step off of my soapbox.

“The man who knows something knows that he knows nothing at all.” – Erykah badu, On and On

** Producing a human life, from an “affair“, is a topic worthy of discussion, at a later time.